So yesterday, we made our first trek to the pool of the year. We were going with some amazing friends and my kids were super pumped. I had had a pretty rough morning with my 9 year old and my husband had just gotten off from working a half day. My foot was and is still killing me but I was bound and determined that we were going to get out and have fun!
The kids suitcases from camp (and stuff that hadn't quite made it IN the suitcase) were all over the place..... plus pool stuff. My husband hurriedly sunscreened them for me with our all natural sunscreen (which I'm pretty convinced is more of a nuisance and doesn't work nearly as well) while I packed snacks and we were off. We played for 3 hours and missed the "reapply" because of all the fun we were having......
This morning.. we're a little lobsterish...
Oops.
My husband will tell you that my anxiety has been up this morning. I've been saying things like, "Well, at least I protected them for the first eight years of parenting" and "Do you think it'll be better by church and camp? I'm afraid people will think I don't take care of them. "
What I know is that I and my husband were burnt numerous times as children, we are both moley white kids who have visited the dermatologist several times, we're in our mid 30's, and we've never been diagnosed with melanoma... I think our kids will be fine.
But, see, I'm not worried about them... I mean, not really. My oldest is the only one that hurts a little, and I feel terrible about that, but it's more concern about what "others" think.
However, at the same time, I don't want to really blame my peers. I mean, first off, as a Christian, I'm supposed to only care about Christ's opinion, and 2nd of all, all of us Gen X/Millenial moms are in this mom shaming, anxiety and depression causing, game that's purely a vicious cycle of guilt and being made to feel guilty.
We need heroes here on earth. We need an older generation of women.
Now, don't mishear me. As a pastor's wife, I have met so many of you who are always encouraging and many more who hit the target the majority of the time. But, in case you empty nesters, grandmothers, and great grandmothers want to up your game a little, I wanted to share what I've observed and what may be helpful.
1.) Don't use extreme language. "Always" and "never" when talking about your child rearing days are not helpful for child rearing moms. Statements like "I never ate that when I was pregnant" or "I always was there when my child needed me" are not helpful and (sorry) probably not true. These are very damaging words for a generation who struggles to see outside of the black and white at times.
2.) Don't rose color your child rearing days. This goes tightly along with number 1. Now, when you're talking to your husband or to your children (maybe not the ones who are in the struggle of raising their own ;)) or dear friends, PLEASE take joy in reminiscing the good old days... rose-color it up!! You have done your due diligence and then some and you deserve to have precious memories re-lived. But when you're talking to a down-in-the-trench momma, please try hard to remember those down-in-the-trench moments, those failures, those stories of raw embarrassment and shame and then talk to us about how they turned out to be so much of nothing you barely remember them.
3.) SUPPORT US! Don't get me wrong... child abuse, drug abuse, etc. are no light matters. Those things need to be confronted and dealt with and you as a grandma, aunt, etc. need to feel free to speak into those situations. However, formula vs. nursing, epidural vs. nothing, timeout vs. spanking vs. yelling, whether or not to change a kid's shirt when he spills a galloon of kool-aid on it, diet in general.... PLEASE don't give advice unless asked. Let me give you an example. My precious mom was a formula feeder who wishes she could've nursed but couldn't. With all 3 of my kids, I started nursing and she loved and supported me in that. When I switched to formula, she never said a word.. she loved and supported me and asked multiple times how she could help. At times, I wish she would've pushed me, but in the end, at the delicate state I was in, it wouldn't have mattered.. it would've just heaped more guilt on my head and she knew that.. because she knew her daughter. She knew the grace I needed and she was obedient to give it. Have I mentioned I love my mom. <3
I PRAY that with my daughter, if she's blessed to become a mother some day, I can treat her with the same grace my mom did me, and I pray I can do the same with my friends' daughters.. because let's be real. With all the state to state movement, disease, broken relationships, loss, etc. that we experience, we all need more than one mom.
Maybe no one's told you, seasoned, 2nd, 3rd, generation Momma, but no one's opinion matters more than yours. Maybe we don't act like it, but you hold the key to our peace so often. You have not been forgotten or dismissed like the media has made you think. Your words ARE powerful. Your touch IS valuable. Consider your words. Trust me. We need the most loving, nurturing, gospel-filled ones you got.
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