I still don't understand why Micah's death has caused me to struggle so deeply with feeling like an "incomplete", almost "fake" mom in my day to day life and through my past choices. Maybe it's because I don't feel like I have our whole family with us and I'm seeking a way to blame myself.. I'm not sure. Anyway, this is what I journaled yesterday evening:
Lord,
My prayer is truly that, up to this point, I have done enough for my children. I run into Mommies almost on a daily basis who seem to have done so much more... Of course, I realize as well, that there are those who do far less. I believe you've placed on me both the burden and blessing of being able to minister to those living in the greatest pride and those in the greatest despair raising their children. I must see the imperfections and regrets in my own parenting so that I can be humble enough to say, "I'm not nearly the best at this."
Lord, I love my babies and I see Your grace and I know that even though I've made a b'jillion blind mistakes and I've purposefully sinned against them a b'jillion more times than that.. even still, those 3 were created for me to mother. They are absolutely grace-filled, beautiful and as healthy as they come. They are smart, funny, witty, respectful (for the most part :)) and full of energy. They are Your gift to me.
Today is new. So is tomorrow. May I be for them each day to come more of what I wish I could've been from the beginning.. more focused, more present, less anxious, less guilty, able to ENJOY them... May you pour out your mercy and love on that path. Amen.
This song, as well, has re-entered my life. I used to listen Alli Rogers a lot in Kansas when I was childless.. and now.. It just means so much more. I hope it blesses you today,
It's eight hours later in Tanzania.
When Jen lays down
Mary's just opening her eyes.
Her child's feet land on the ground
And dirt scatters,
And she feels left out in the open,
Always left out in the open.
She says, 'son, wear my shoes to school today?.
He turns and smiles and walks away,
And she thinks to herself
"Someday I will wake
Where the earth is clean and safe.
My children have a place to play,
Not here in Tanzania.
And someday I will live
In a house that's built by
Hands that hold the world."
It's eight hours earlier in Chattanooga.
Mary sits down and Jen's just put the coffee on.
Katie Couric is talking news and fashion,
And Jen feels pushed into a corner,
Always pushed into a corner, she says
'Baby I know what girls at school are like'.
And her daughter rides off on her bike,
And Jen thinks to herself
"Someday I will wake
Where my children get a break,
And there are chances that they'll take,
Not here in Chattanooga.
Someday I will live
In a house that's built by
Hands that hold the world."
Well it's hard to be mother,
And it's hard to be a woman,
And it's hard to live in Africa sometimes.
It's hard to be mother,
And it's hard to be a woman,
And it's hard to live in America sometimes.
But someday I will wake
In a body that won't break,
On ground that doesn't shake, not here.
And someday I will live
In a house that's built by
Hands that hold the world
