Survivor's Joy

Like many of my posts,  I have to start by disclaiming. :)

What I'm about to share is controversial, it's raw, and it's the very thing that's saved my life.

It's been a rough week, and I'm so glad the Lord hooked me back up with three beautiful women who I would call nothing less than sisters a little over a month ago in Knoxville...

They helped me through this last rough spell....

But even they will tell you, we'll probably never all agree on this...

and that's ok.

I' m writing my experience, my belief, my interpretation in hopes that it may help someone else.. It's what saved my life.

Suffering.

It's been on my heart a lot lately. Not just because of our own, but because every time we turn the corner, we see it now... in the life of someone else we dearly love..

And our hearts break.

People who suffer are drawn to each other. It's like some invisible magnet.

There's a lots of suffering; grief, loss, trauma, abuse, disease.. on and on and on.

But for some reason, two people can go through two experiences completely different where all they shared in common is that they suffered, and totally get one another.

At the same time, two people can go through a very similar experience, and struggle to ever see the other's point of view.

I want to tell you mine.

A lot of people want to talk me out of believing that God's will was that we lose Micah a long with other terrible things that happened before and after that event....

 but I have to respectfully disagree.

I take candy my children got in class out of their hand to save until after dinner, I make them clean their rooms even when they whine that they're tired, I make them try everything on their plate, I take privileges away when they are disrespectful, I spank, I send to bed early, and it is absolutely in my will that they suffer these consequences.

I do this because when I read the Bible, this is the model of biblical parenting.

For a long time, I thought this was the "punishment" part.. but it's not.  It's discipline. Loving, refining discipline.

Our children were born in sin. Nothing exemplifies this more in my life than the little toddling hellian  who resides in our home right now. That sweet miracle baby is a pincher, puncher, and biter and NO ONE in this family taught him that.

His little depraved soul just knew.

To not love him would be to let them continue in his sin, to never let him suffer natural consequences, to never take advantage of teachable moments, even when those moments break my kids' hearts into.

For you to tell me that it's not always been in the Father's will to bring Micah home with him before I ever got to say "Hello", begs one question.

Why?

Why didn't he save him?  If He loves me, why didn't he let me have my boy? Is he not in control? Is he that weak?

No. He took my boy because He loves me.

Do I wish Micah was with me? Yes. Do I see every day more reasons that the Lord took him? Yes. Why?

Because my life isn't about me. It's about Christ. It's about glorifying Him. My good and His glory.

That's why I "should" have five babies and only 3 reside in my home.

His will was that his Son, his perfect Son, be lifted up and killed to draw men to him.

Why should my life be free of suffering?

Regardless, suffering brings joy, it brings courage (as a friend told me yesterday), it brings peace.

"In this world you will have trouble, but I give you my peace."

Again, this is controversial, but I beg you, those of you who are suffering, to lean in.

In a perfect world, none of us would suffer. But in this broken world, God uses evil; sin, suffering, persecution, etc., to refine us and glorify him.

And when we lean in to this use, the blessings are unending.

The Apostle Paul talks a lot about that. :)

To those who suffer, my heart breaks for you, but as my counselor said to me the other day....

"My heart smiles, because I see the joy that's set before you."